If I could turn back time

Dear Tom Waits,


Hey old man. Please stop letting people like Scarlet Johansson cover your music. I know from past experience they you are adverse to people using your music for personal gain. Kudos on that by the way. Sticking to your guns, very honourable of you. Unfortunately the fact still remains you let that trollop of a Woody Allen muse (proving to me further that Woody Allen isn't funny). I cannot begin to fathom what your rationale was, or why you have yet to chastise her for it.

Seriously Waits, what were you thinking? I sincerely hope that this was done as an ironic comedy album. At any moment I'm expecting the entire Monty Python group to pipe up and argue about dead parrots and the like. Hell, I'd even tolerate Margaret Cho interrupting ScarJo's butchering of your music with a clitoris monologue. But no, we're stuck with this tripe (my apologies to all tripe enthusiasts) . Even though I'm not a fan of you to begin with, I feel for you man.

Please do something to rectify this situation. Maybe a mercy killing, or two. All in the name of music and integrity. Right?

So there it is. I've selected my fighting words. You know where to send you apologies Tom.