Avoid the city After Dark

Laura's Advice on how to be a Successful Band and Sell Yourself To Me


If I were to be hired as a band image consultant, these are the handy gems I would in fact provide:

1. Bathe. I do not care if your idols go days with the warm love of a cleansing shower, you need to. Something about cultivating that B.O. and Hobo smell does not really appeal to mass audiences last I checked.
   
2. Wearing band tees of oh say Iron Maiden or Led Zeppellin does not give you credibility. I'm happy to hear you love Jimmy Page (unlike Mindless Self Indulgence...great song by the way). Let me hear it, not see it. Clothes come off, the talent and sound generally don't.
3. If I can name four other bands that sound exactly you, chances are you have no ability to wow me, or others for that matter.
4. There is emulating, and then there is rip-off. Please be the former. I do not want an updated version of perfection. Show me something new.
5. MySpace friends do not make you cool. I don't care how many "friends" you have. You can suck and still have fans. Look at Nickelback. That's right, I went there. Same goes for Facebook.
6. Indie credibility only goes so far. That underground culture you tout, it's just a bunch of pretentious morons who are bitter that Green Day went to a mainstream label. Yes, I went there. When they started wearing more makeup than a circus clown, that's when it stopped being amusing.
   
7. Your poignant lyrics- great and all, but remember sound registers faster than language, so make sure you have a melody and a guitar rift that will capture attention. When in doubt, add bitching drum solo.
   
8. That emo haircut is not amusing. Hair in face on purpose 24/7= DOUCHEBAG ALERT
   
9. Neither is having hair longer than mine.
10. If I cannot discern what your lyrics are after oh say 3 times listening to the song, then you either a) need elocution lessons, or b) need to lighten up on the guitar/bass/drums/oboes/harps/whatever it is that is obstructing my hearing. Quit that already.
11. Being an alcoholic or a Straight Edge is interesting and all, but have you not heard that extremes are idiotic. Be a responsible social drinker. Keep it in check. This will save you the hassle of a) Living in an a perpetual alcohol induced stupor, or falling off the Straight-Edge ways and becoming a serious addict.
12. Avant-Garde name? Not impressed.
13. Just be honest about what you want to be and what you want to make. If you want to be a andrognynous rocker, than be it. If you want to do some kick-ass rockabilly with a smidgeon of Gangsta-rap, then do it. You'd be surprised how open-minded people can be when it comes to music.

All I have for now, but who knows, I may create a perfect guide to this shit.

Laura

Reading: Madame Bovary
Listening to: John Cale-Vintage Violence
Watching: Casablanca